Sunday, December 28, 2008

A moment


I thought of a talk that an Indian lady gave to us at HDES. The lady spoke British English with a very slight, if not imperceptible, Indian accent. Her talk, regarding aesthetics and environment, was very intriguing. So interesting that I grabbed a piece of paper by hand and took copious notes of her ideas on beauty, taste, nature, and Kant. I remember she talked about according to Kant, while the taste is socially constructed, beauty is not. Beauty is natural and universal. Her point was then, of course, almost sniffed at by the sociology student A, who has a giant body and funny long hair. Bourdieu was used to counter Kant, for it is believed that all things, including culture itself, are only a temple of the society. Beauty is cultural capital, while what accounts for beauty and what is recognized as forming beauty can only be cultural capital. Man, I also remember how tired I was of Bourdieu, of sociology, of class. If Kant was idealist, and if beauty was only imagination, let them be, for the very idea itself is beautiful. We all tolerate and adore beautiful things and people, don't we? How Bourdieu has to be used to explain this human nature?

Damn it, where is that piece of paper which had all my notes on that Indian lady's beautiful description of Kant and beauty? Where is it? I'm digging through my piles of papers;my memories flashing back with randomness;lost in my small yet elusive world.

Thursday, December 25, 2008



亲爱的老詹(眨眼睛):

Hey,刚才看了久违的校友录,看到你的留言。您老这么久不用msn,我不知道是否用这个信箱发信会石沉大海。

恩,看,这么久没联系已经不知道该说什么好了。我的博士快毕业了吧,在写论文中。一直在这个鬼地方生活,不得不学着适应这漫长的冬天。现在室外有零下30多度吧。这些年里,我读了很多文章,写了一些文章,作了很多蹩脚的发言,去了美国很多地方。下学期我要教一门本科生的课。现在在存钱准备夏天去夏威夷开会。不知道怎么把我的生活浓缩在这么几行字里。恩,反正我从一个超级黏人的对生活有无限不现实的期许的小女生变成一个相反的人。呵呵,你大概不信。

很久没有回国了,好像距离下次回国也遥遥无期。怎样才可以和你时常保持联系啊,尤其是如果你不怎么用msn和查邮箱的话。我很想念你还有过去的荒唐时光。对空间的分离造成人之间的疏远总是很遗憾,当然这也难免,但是我这么喜欢和命运做斗争的人(呵呵)幻想可以用某种方式来弥补和对抗。所以有什么方式才能保持联系呢?。。。。

和我说说你的生活吧。恩,我什么都想听。希望有一天回国的话可以看到你。=P

Grace

亲爱的小妖精:

好久不见,昨天仿佛历历在目,可是转眼大家都各奔东西了。

我还是老样子,头发长了剪短,短了留长,受不了直发的时候就烫卷染染,卷了又觉得天天打理麻烦得不行。在学校的时候闲得发慌,现在又忙得不行。我现在在中国银行工作,还算和我的专业有点关系吧。不过上班也就是那个样子,重复劳动远大于创造,天天说着一样的话,做着同样的事,快成机器人了,一到了周末就起不来床。

爱情专家兼星占专家我想知道你近来运程如何,并且可以给你开设免费在线咨询。

我们单位平时不能上外网,所以我的MSN白天很少开,晚上有时候会在线。不在线也没关系,给我留言,我能看到了。

眨眼睛

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Purdue地图


旅途从Purdue北边角落的Stone Hall出发。穿过草坪,那春天的时候有粉色和红色的桃花的草坪。大树下有美术系的金发女生在临摹。她们坐成一圈。Purdue的钟楼灯塔在她们的画板上若隐若现。

前方是Stewart Center。多气派的楼,连墙壁都是白底米色花纹的大理石建筑的。走廊里,orange抱着她的笔记本轻盈地飘过来。在她的想像中orange做出一个芭蕾的姿势,伸出手臂跃向前方,穿越弥漫在空中的微尘。那一刻,虚幻和现实混合在一起。Orange是穿着A&F灰色毛衣的苗条中国女孩,又是The Diving Bell&Butterfly 里法国现代医院的走廊里跳舞的18世纪的芭蕾舞演员,还是Russian Ark中穿着着白色衣衫的追逐着对方的尼古拉斯二世的宫女。

继续走下去,是student union,最最甜蜜的地方。她喜欢缩成一团,坐在gallary的木制的长靠背椅里。周围是黑暗的,顶上的灯是温暖的。她写文章,读书,发呆,偷听旁边桌子的母子的对话。天,只有她知道她有多么地喜欢那里;她恨不得每天一上完枯燥的marketing或者stats课就到gallary去。在那里她觉得她是世界的一部分,是自然优美的一部分;不象在marketing课上逼着自己发言讨论一个相当无聊的问题才能感受到自我的存在的,那样局促。墙上贴着学校过去的棒球或者足球运动员的老照片,每个人都摆着一个滑稽的姿势和笑容。她从电脑屏幕前抬起的那一刹那,和他们的目光相遇了;呵呵,50年前的他们知道在50年后他们被挂在墙上让人观赏么。

临挨着的Happy's又在放70年代的音乐。Bye,bye, Mr.American Pie.Drove my chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry.地砖是黑白马赛克拼成的。她想像穿着黑色的鞋子,还有黑色的丝袜,黑色的裙子,走在里面。Can I have a bowl of Chili,please。最好还可以拿出一支烟。

Pizza place。饼总是厚得象一个大面团。不过买一份小的spaghetti还有两个烤鸡翅膀也是一顿很好的meal。她曾经在那里看到A和B手牵着手,眼里噙着泪水。爱情,飘在空中,好像也不是,很沉重。

终于到了吃午饭的地方啦。她曾经最喜欢的是买一个half tuna salad sandwich,还有一盒酸奶做午餐。有时候会碰到Eric一起吃饭。Eric总是很讲究地挥舞着手里的刀和叉,用心地切chicken thigh或者roasted beef的entree午餐。然后有一天争论起什么,Eric说,我是oriental by heart,她听了哈哈大笑。

她还喜欢做日本面的大师傅。白人大师傅带着一个很夸张的大帽子,然后把其实正宗做法是凉拌的日本面soba,用中国炒面的方式做出来。一边很陶醉地上下翻动着炒锅,一边很热情地问,中文怎么说Bak-Choy,哦,原来是白菜啊,英文和中文可真象啊。

走出Union之前,要去Oasis绿洲。颜色鲜艳的墙壁,黄色,红色,紫色,很眩目。Sandwich很大,其实有时候吃一个bagel with cream cheese就很心满意足了。她每次stat考试前,都去oasis买咖啡,做下来强迫自己复习不怎么make sense的统计习题。到底是谁征服谁呢,统计课还是她。

在Purdue的时候,这还是她生活的一部分的时候,一切都是那么不可救药地mundane和琐碎。在回忆里连Purdue这么drab的地方都虚幻地诗意起来了。是她变宽容了么,还是什么,时间。

Thursday, December 18, 2008

2008


我就象跳下了一个没有底端的悬崖,一直一直这么下降着。不知道何时,何地,会出现什么。

夏天是在Giuliani和Laura的lab里度过的。很习惯地在包里放一件毛衣,穿在裙子外面,因为要在有冷气的房间里很有耐心地坐上若干个小时。淡蓝色的香蕉共和国的毛衣在穿了一个暑假之后终于成了我最不喜欢的衣服。

我为什么会提到这些毫不相关的细节。其实我是想说,我是多么地怀念这个枯燥的夏天啊。不是因为病态地喜欢准备prelim,而是这几个月好像就是我曾经经历过的人生的一个缩影一样。目标很明确的,考试,阅读,写作。我这平凡的人生一直沿绕着这轨迹,习惯了别的人或者学校/社会制度给我一个纪律,问题,时限,然后我就找方法去回答。如此这般,我就有了冠冕堂皇的理由不去思考生活和了解内心的茫然怯懦了。难道不好笑么,回答“什么是中国的自我意识”比回答“我在回忆初恋的某个时刻的时候体会到了什么”要来得直接和实际许多,因为至少前者是可以在我的论述中找答案的。就是这么容易被表面的实在的思考所满足。

沉浸在忙忙碌碌之中,突然,prelim结束了。一个巨大的休止符。乐观的人总是说上帝关上一扇门会打开另一扇窗。可是如果他没有打开呢。时间如同无止境的深渊一般,我在持续的坠落中等待。

十月份和十一月份过得异常痛苦。写申请信,简历,不要脸地说自己武艺高超技能过人。然后就是继续等待;有的被cancel了,有的被delay了,还有的给了rejection。巨大的空洞,没有边际,隧道;我想起冷酷仙境与世界尽头里的场景。比起这无形的焦虑,prelim时候的诸如该如何从某个角度来回答问题的具体的烦恼简直就是一种幸福。有一次和我的朋友夏天讨论这件事。夏天的blog有一些非常诗意化的文章;在讨论中他给了非常相反的,很实际,很着谱所以也很不靠谱的,解决方法。那次会面后,我无比清晰地意识到等待是一个solitude的activity,其厚重是只有我自己才能承担的。

小的时候读王安忆的流逝,现在已经不完全记得其中的内容了。大致说的是如果文革中的日子是一种流逝,一种对人性的审判的话,那么文革后恢复正常生活的时光是对人性的另一种审判。其实两者在某种程度上都是一种等待。谁在等待呢;什么在等待中流逝了呢;为什么要不安呢。等待是一种持续的生活状态。对于很多人,比如说我爸爸,一生都在不知不觉中等待。

不安在于我曾经是资本主义也好社会主义也好的社会的一颗螺丝钉;制度/学校一直带动着我转动。突然间被从机器上取下来,放到一边,这个螺丝钉猛然发现原来它要面对的东西是自己,是生活的本身。它却悲哀地发现它没有这个最基本的取悦自己和生活的能力。终于,它觉察出这个世界上真正的demon是它自己。Come out, come out;I dare you to a battle. 在村上的冷酷仙境里,影子和人被很理想化地分开了。虽然生活在两个不同的世界里,两者还是感受着对方的存在并且保护着对方的。My war against my own self 是多么自言自语的假想。

2008年12月的某一天,我穿着紫色的外套在堆砌着冰雪的街上浅一脚深一脚地行走。街对面有一个熟悉的女孩子的身影。她穿着一件黑色的呢子外套,带一顶黑帽子,然后走进了一间咖啡店。那个是我么。如果她是我,我会爱上她么。

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

原来


英文的学术文章的写法和中文八股文也差不离。So institutionalized. 结构和架势还有发表的准则,结合起来非常限制语言和思想的灵活性。我是不是又发现得太晚了。

Saturday, November 29, 2008

祖母




Grace的祖母已经离开她有11年了。那天Grace看文章的时候遇到一个词void,这让她想起祖母去世后她的生活。家,这些,那些,void.

empty 空虚是个不恰当的字眼。怎么能空虚呢,Grace 这些年来经历了那么多事情,幽默的,悲伤的,戏剧化的,无法用言语形容的。可是void,这个无法填满的空间,即使Grace在这些时间里无数次重温修改过去和祖母的记忆,它还是清清楚楚地停留在生活深处的某个层面里,变成了一道隐性的伤痕。

习惯在支零破碎的家庭长大,对Grace而言,祖母还有南京城就象一盏温暖的灯一样。在这个shelter下,Grace成天和小朋友们没心没肺地疯玩。如果你们读严歌苓的话,也许你们会觉得在她眼里她的母亲是个乡下人。在Grace看来,祖母是无比光彩照人的。透过书橱的玻璃门,可以看到祖母演雷雨里四凤的剧照。旗袍是祖母永远不过时的行头,Grace于是也在花样年华诞生很多年前就已经体会到了旗袍是多么有气质的衣服。记忆中祖母有一件旗袍是银灰色的上面有黑色的小花的,还有白底绿色抽象图案的花纹的。祖母在镜子前幽幽地穿上旗袍,陶醉地看着镜子中的自己。镜子上凝结着一层浅浅的水气,祖母的脸就在那半隐半现之中。Grace在一旁饶有兴致地观察到的祖母的表情经历的一连串很复杂微妙的变化;她在想着,或者,怀念着什么呢。然后祖母穿着旗袍去上书法课,去拜访朋友,去组织老年朋友们唱歌。她这样走下化工学院家属楼的第五层,摆着煤球的第四层,放着各式各样的盆花的第三层,潘阿姨在门口收拾虾和鱼的第二层。在南京酷热潮湿的空气里,祖母的旗袍背后被汗水打湿了一大片。

祖母有时候还要戴上她的珍珠项链穿上高跟鞋。她很多次对Grace说,女人穿旗袍的时候最显身段了,暗示象Grace这样成天含着胸没有女孩子样地跑来跑去留着短发连穿条裙子都嫌烦会被其他玩伴们笑话的,离做一个成熟女人还有多么遥远的距离。Grace在祖母说起这些的时候,脸上总是故意地摆出一副不屑的表情来,但她其实内心深处是同意祖母的,只不过她怯懦地不愿意承认罢了。即便如此,祖母在Grace复杂的家庭里还是被戴着一顶平凡的乡下人的帽子。在严歌苓的书里,这个原因或多或少地导致了祖父的离开。当然了,严歌苓是体谅她的父亲的,所以她的母亲所做的每一件固执的争取或者挽救爱情的举动是荒谬而近乎悲哀的。Grace也是体谅她疯狂的自私地理想主义的祖父的,但是现在Grace想来,一个看不起卑微生活的人本身是多么可笑而卑微。究竟有谁可以完全超越生活的卑微呢。

每年寒假和暑假的时候,Grace要被送到北京和她的祖父一起居住。呜呜火车前方到达北京站。Grace在挂满韩美林的画,非洲某部落的原始工艺,阿根廷的小牛皮地毯的祖父家里。南京逼仄的油盐酱醋的生活顿时显得很遥远。祖父用他奇特的哼哈不清的上海话一遍遍地提醒她这一切也都是她的,可是她如何能相信呢。对于祖父来说,接她来住的重要目的是为了给她灌输血统的延续这个概念。对着她,祖父陷入快乐的沉思和回忆中,那回忆又往往是加以想像的,述说她的某位前辈是多么了不起的一个人,上海的某条路是以他的名字命名的,或者贝某某是最伟大的建筑师,或者如何如何。祖父在这反复的回忆中非常快乐和自豪。他就象一个星空的守护人一样,凝视着天空中或隐或现的星星,叙述着某颗亮点的故事。一切的一切,旨在告诉她不能做一个有着庸俗理想的普通人。Grace很久以后,才迟钝地觉察出祖父这一举动本身中所包含的自私和虚荣心。把种种名誉和头衔装饰在生活中,他好像就可以走出自己这实质上很平凡的生活了一样。于是,Grace轻飘飘又每时每刻都呼吸着空气中的厚重地度过每年在北京的日子。在这个家里,平庸是要被人唾弃的,Grace小小年纪就明白了。在她还不知道什么是爱,恨,善良和虚伪以前。

南京,南京。街头有炸臭豆腐,鸭血粉丝汤还有糖炒栗子。生活琐碎又温情。有谁想去参观古城墙也就坐着33路公共汽车到秦淮河边上的一站下来然后就爬上去了,哪里象在北京到长城是多么了不起的工程一样。谁说爱一个人是要通过寄托某种希望才能体现的。祖母就不。Grace既使在小学的时候数学就总是很丢脸地只考70来分,祖母也还是很骄傲地说我的孙女作文比赛鼓楼区第三名。祖母带她去访问养老院里没有牙齿的老人,陪他们做在庭院里晒太阳。祖母很恭敬地叫她的书法老师某某先生,然后很欣慰地把她写的书法裱起来,挂在墙上。她总是在厨房里忙碌着,等着Grace把她的狐朋狗友们带回家来吃饭,吃完后舔舔嘴巴甜蜜地说真是太好吃了。她选择容忍Grace在反叛的青春期里做的大多数荒唐事情,虽然有一次忍无可忍地给了Grace一巴掌。

不知道你们有没有在小学的时候常常要写看图说话的故事,有一个题目是关于一个卖苹果的姑娘在雨中,然后苹果们落到了地上。如果这个故事在现实生活中发生,并且祖母在一边的话,她肯定是那个画里放下雨伞帮助那个姑娘的人。祖母就是有这种近乎天真的让人敬佩地个对每个平凡生命都尊敬和热爱的怜悯心。她帮助楼下的比她年轻20岁的徐叔叔搬煤球。如果在火车站遇到什么流浪的孩子,伸出脏乎乎的手掌心向上地嘴里咕咕囔囔地说着什么乞讨着什么的时候,她总是善良地选择相信那个孩子或者编出来的故事。她亲切地对待服务阶层的每一个人,用她的语言天赋飞快地学会徐州话蚌埠话,和巷子里修自行车伯伯或者卖葱油饼的婶婶交谈,问他们过春节会不会回老家。我的奶奶。相比而言,Grace是一个被禁锢在她骄傲的外壳里的人,虽然她内心深处也非常喜欢和怜悯那些她生活中的小人物们。她的祖母坦然地选择平凡,祖父坦然地选择高贵,而她就在这两者之间上下挣扎着。

祖母最后的日子是在江苏省中医院度过的。那个时候Grace要爬过新街口的天桥穿过街上熙熙攘攘的人群和车流去看她。那生动浮闹的场面和医院里的肃静与挣扎形成鲜明对比并一同扎在Grace的心上。Grace和父亲从医院里出来,两个人都带着沉默并使劲抑制着悲伤的脸,和周围摩登热闹的人群格格不入着。医院背后是上海路,是Grace很小很小的时候住过的地方。住在那里的时候每天晚上祖母会牵着她的手去散步,看着不远处的金陵饭店在深蓝色的夜空中闪耀着光芒。祖母的头发在化疗中日渐稀少,她开玩笑地说她将来出院后要带一顶假发。有一次Grace在出医院大门的时候,看着匆匆而过的人和车忍不住哭了,旁边有一个乞丐说,小姑娘,有什么伤心事,来,给你算算命吧。

日子总是在转瞬即逝后才体会到其美好的。Grace那个时候还不知道在祖母去世了以后家就变成一个纯粹停留在记忆中的概念了。她曾经努力想像如果祖母继续在世地话,她的生活应该是什么样子。再后来,就放弃努力了。祖母也就成了这个若隐若现的void,Grace学会了绕着路子不去直面这填不满的洞。她甚至可以对她后来遇见的南京人哈哈笑着说,你知道么,我算是南京人呢,我是丁家桥小学的。

为什么在我还没有学会如何去爱你的时候就失去了你呢。

Saturday, November 22, 2008

monologue


"Mrs. Dalloway" arrived today. Having been lying in the mailbox for a whole day, the book felt almost icy as I was pulling it out from the Amazon package. On the back of the cover, there is one interesting, and of course, very Virginia-Woolf-like remark: "....heroic journeys...could also locate the enormous within everyday; that a life of errands and party-giving was every bit as viable a subject as any life lived anywhere". As innocuous as days are. As dramatic as life is. I found myself smiling at Virginia's melancholy profile portrait.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

杂货店


如果不亲自来美国的大型杂货店购物的话,你是不知道这国家的光鲜背后是有多沮丧的。整个杂货店就是一个没有立体空间的大型货仓。货物们无精打采东倒西歪地陈列在货架上。这些货物们自被从田里摘了起或者从牛和猪的身上被取下来起就被随便地扔来扔去改来改去。现在又被贴上了标签在众人的目光下等待着消失在某个人的购物篮的那一刹那。没有生命,更别提什么羞耻心了。Grace记得她很喜欢的法国电影Amelie里有一个卖水果和蔬菜的小贩,他对每个水果都那么珍爱。有一个镜头是他捧起一个水果,仔细地闻了又闻,轻轻地抚摸它,然后很热情地向买水果的人形容这个水果的奇特生命。相比之下,即使同是水果,命运也是那么不同啊。

卖肉的地方有愤怒地总也听不懂顾客解释的黑人大妈,卖鱼的地方有默默地总是低着头瘦小的从遥远的东南亚某个国度或许偷渡来的女工作人员。一进门的时候,一个头发花白的可能是GM某个厂倒闭后没有退休金和医疗保险了于是70多的高龄了还要到这个鬼地方来工作12个小时一天地来挣取微薄的薪水的白人老爷爷,一遍遍不怨其烦地说,"Miss, how are you today"。这个世界上为什么总是有这么多心酸的故事。Check out的时候,红头发的年轻收银员小姐的右手是残疾的。她很费力气地用一只左手挪动所有的货物。Grace忍不住帮住她一下,心里很忐忑地希望红头发小姐不要看出她按耐不住的怜悯。这个鬼地方,究竟是它帮助了穷人给了他们一点点生存的依靠呢还是更加彻底地剥削了他们。就是这么一个地方,世间百态都随着货物的流进和流出而上演着。

在巨大的日光灯下行走,Grace觉得思想和身体都异常缓慢。思维到了最迟钝不堪的时刻。身边时常有为生活所劳顿的穿着邋遢的白人,黑人,还有拉美母亲或父亲带着孩子在往篮子里放什么。还有象Grace一样的无产亚洲留学生,时常向Grace发出探询的目光。迟钝得懒得破解这目光中所包含的不同的意义,Grace还往往在这目光中会很莫名地恼怒。恼怒在这个她最麻木最不堪的时刻被人探询。就象所有虚荣的人一样,她喜欢别人看到的她都是光彩照人口若悬河的那一面。所以在这种时刻她恨不能做一个隐身人。有一次Grace在买杂货的时候导师卡拉打来电话,Grace就站在那放满洋葱的架子前心烦意乱地分身无术,眼睛里看的,心里想的和嘴里说的完全分裂成了三样不同的东西。突然间,她发现有一个什么东西在悄悄地很有企图地向她靠近。她于是很警惕地转过身去看,看到的是一张年轻的微笑的亚洲男生的脸。可怜的人,等待他的,是Grace愤怒又恐惧的目光。

今天Grace在等待check out的时候,照例很麻木地扫描着八卦杂志上的美女相片。然后她注意到了她前排的等待的人中的一个亚洲女生。那个女生有宽阔的额头还有淡疏的眉毛,不知道是不是这个给了她一种很安静秀气的神态,让Grace隐隐地想起她曾经的一个朋友。在女孩很仔细地读着付款的小票的时候,她身后的两个亚洲男生开始check out了。Grace想他们大概是一起来的。那两个男生讲起了一种Grace听不懂的中国南方的方言。福建话,或着江西话么。那个时候,女孩一直安静地站在一旁。Grace开始推测他们之间的关系,女孩是他们中某一个的女朋友或者妻子,要么他们是室友或者老乡,否则他们不会这么大大方方地说方言。

就在Grace想着这些的时候,那两个穿着黑外套的男生开始研究他们的小票的背面。应该是杂货店进一步刺激消费给的什么coupon。可能也就是一罐牛奶少付20cents这样。突然间他们拿过女孩的小票,激动地走回超市里的货架中去,应该是按照coupon的指示又去买什么东西了。他们雀跃地冲到Grace身后的货架上,手里捏着小票,翻动着糖果和苏打饮料,口里喃喃着什么。Grace大概听懂他们在说”是这个么,是这个“。

那个女孩于是被完全晾在一边。她把他们的车推到一旁,在旁边的长椅上坐下。购物车上的塑料袋层层叠叠地张着口。她穿着苹果绿的上衣,宽大的蓝色运动裤。裤脚被束起来在靴子里面,于是流畅的宽大感被她脚上的那双黑色的puma靴子给僵硬地打断了。她的马尾辫上还有紫色的发带。这个在时尚眼里无疑是很滑稽的打扮在Grace看来就象一个朴实的布袋娃娃一样,让Grace忍不住想过去拍拍她和她说些什么话。大概女孩也感受到了这有些突如其来的尴尬,她打开一盒酸奶,略略侧过头撇开直视她的等待check out的人的有意或无意目光,然后小心敏感又寂寞地看看周围。就在她喝酸奶的时候,那两个男生回来了,手里拿了些东西,check out。当然了他们又拿到新的小票,可是天啊他们就又兴冲冲地回去买东西了,大概又想把新的背面的coupon给用掉。Grace从没有想过一个杂货店的营销手段可以这么成功。女孩就一直静静地看着他们乐此不疲地来来回回地忙碌,静静地回避着众人向她投去的目光。Grace突然对这两个男生颇有一些生气。他们怎么就能把那么可爱寂寞的布娃娃放在那里让她承担做这闹剧的无辜陪衬呢。

无聊的杂货店里偶尔也有生动的故事。

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

无题


Grace今天和一个很有意思的中国女孩展开了一段很有意思的谈话。她们做了Grace的interview。然后不知怎么就谈到皮肤问题。那个女生请Grace注意她脸上的青春痘,Grace请她注意她苍白的皮肤上青春痘的残垣片瓦还有从Grace记事起母亲就为之忧愁愤怒的雀斑,以及她在考完prelim之后发现陡然长出的眼带。然后她们互相赞美对方的长相很年轻。随后她们一起感叹时间对女人的面容真是没有慈悲。忽然间Grace发现其实她很enjoy这些琐碎的女生之间的谈话。这些谈话让她感到生活的质感。她又一次希望可以吸取之前的教训,在离开这个地方之前可以交一些她很喜欢的朋友。

Grace发现她可掩盖尴尬和心虚的方式是装成很大大咧咧的美国人,大声说英文,大声地毫不掩饰地笑。越象美国人的时候,越尴尬和心虚。这个是与生俱来的生存技能呢,还是后天习来的。可能祖母演员的基因还是有些遗传的。但是那个时候,你千万不要以为这个就是她最真实或者她最喜欢自己的那一面。那个时候,她就象被一层气流,随便被戳一下,她就失去自己的状态了。

Grace在去年的这个时候就深深地喜欢上了她的一个committee member P的说英文的声音。完全没有本科生那种流里流气的super-articulated的语调。这个形容太苍白了。总之是非常touching纯净而且庄严的一个说英文的声音。Grace每次上完她的课之后都努力尝试一样地decent说英文,每每都被现实生活中要和各式各样的人打交道,比如说verizon 客户服务或者来套近乎的TA学生,而不得不放弃尝试。上个星期的某一天,Grace又一次去P的办公室讨论论文的问题。再一次听到那个声音的时候,在psychology building的六层楼上,窗外有秋天很广阔的澈蓝的天空,就在那个时刻,Grace说着学术问题,心里确突然被一个很柔软的东西触动了。她甚至眼眶湿润了一下,不知道为什么。

今天Grace还想到了一件事情。就是她要去德国旅游一趟,一个人。一定的。要离开这个乱烘烘热闹的美国。她要去看那个她的祖父告诉她的他们的祖先来自的小镇。她要很安静地拍照片。她要去找二毛。她还要把照片给她那长着亚洲人才有的黑头发的,每每电视上一帮金发的德国运动员在卖命地奔跑争夺一个球的时候,就不知所以地自豪忘情呼喊的父亲看。他会很嫉妒的。

Saturday, November 8, 2008

To make a burger


应该怎么来讲这个故事呢。这个故事,无奇到hollywood电影里常常会出现类似的情节,戏剧化到Grace从来没有想到会发生在自己身上。可以很沉重,也可以很幽默。很难以想像Grace现在想着这个故事,竟然觉得有几分戏谑的含义。

一个用严厉的英文写信的中国式父亲般的中国人;面包。一个长期浸泡在鬼子甜蜜圆滑又狡猾的沟通方式中的不知不觉也变成了半个鬼子的中国人;cheese。还有一个常被误认为是美国人的葡萄牙人;牛肉。

Chesse在焦头烂额地寻觅工作中。牛肉于是说,cheese,不如把你曾经立下汗马功劳虽然最后申请未成的那个grant写到你的CV里吧。本来么这个世界上的条条框框大多是有权力的人为圈定他们的权力而设置的,所以大多数没有权力的人都是在条条框框的限制下而无奈地活着。当时没有把你的名字放到grant中去,不过是因为所谓的条条框框认为加入graduate student会增加申请的难度。总而言之,这个世界本身已经是不公正的,所以你在简历上开一个小玩笑完全没有辜负这个不合理的世界秩序。Cheese于是在虚荣心的驱使下同意了。如果这个混乱的世界上50%的事情都是有背于道德的约束或者逻辑的合理设置的,她这么悄悄的小小的不伤害任何人的而且给自己平反的小手脚又如何呢。她会成为一个良心的罪人么。

当然了,戏剧性就在于这个小手脚被严厉的在给cheese写推荐信面包发现了。面包用英文严厉地指出,为什么你要编造一件没有发生过的事情。自尊又敏感的cheese悔恨羞辱到快要融化了。道德的污点。一个恶劣的罪犯和一个有道德感的好人往往只有一线之隔。是什么使你跨越这道防线的。她于是做梦都做到自己被送到断头台。象玛丽皇后被斩首的情形一样,下面的看客欢呼雀跃。下面的问题是,事已如此了,简历上面改过来也就罢了,她该怎么面对面包直到论文答辩结束呢。

cheese每日便在这自我否灭中困惑。牛肉见此,痛心疾首地大呼,你什么也没有做错。面包凭什么把他自己放在道德的制高点上,难道他的人生是绝对地clean么。有那么多种方法可以提示这个错误,为什么要用如此伤你自尊心的方法。我牛肉也彻底被伤害了。不行,我们要找一个新面包。这个面包太不合情理了。

chesse于是在斗争良久后,给面包写了一封看则婉转实则阴险的英文信。信发出后,很解脱,就好像一个囚犯可以重新选择人生了一样。一小时候后,面包回信了。信中写到,他很莫名其妙,很抱歉如果他不经意的言语造成了什么。并且他觉得cheese有fearless intelligence,所以他觉得有必要继续支持和管理chesse的dissertation research。

问题就象个皮球一样bounce back and forth. cheese 现在回想起来,面包第一封信的口吻完全是一个严厉的中国父亲的。在那个情形中,他没有错。作为一个中国女儿,她的忏悔和不安也是完全理所当然的。问题是她是要继续选择做一个中国女儿呢,继续在乞求着严父的原谅中和忍耐中生活,还是做牛肉所希望她成为的以自我情绪为中心的站在自己的脚趾上 (stand on one's toe)的西方女性--这样下去,你这一年一定是最最不快乐的一年,stress out所有的人,不如及时了断。美国人想,连fun都不能have了,这日子还有什么劲。保护自己是天经地义的,不是自私的表现。什么叫忍耐,什么狗屁逻辑忍耐是东方文化的精髓。牛肉在她那有着若干个小佛像的办公室里,在曾经为cheese解释什么叫做karma的办公桌前,还有在有着她甜蜜的另一半的那有着肩膀上的一个大大的文身“道”的照片的电脑前气愤地说。

cheese的逻辑和和感情还是很混乱。选择任何一方,都象是背叛自己的另一面一样。并且在这个混乱中,她看到自己的论文毕业计划粉身碎骨地破灭了。她在思考要是Woody Allen来写剧本的话,这个故事该如何演绎下去。

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Murmuring


Grace has never felt so conscientious about her inability to like people that she doesn't like. She totally doesn't know how to ignore or suppress her feelings. However, she now feels very bad for confronting with bitterness. How to not be burdened by this. How to not put herself in a battle. How to really consider everybody as individuals in process and disregard comments that upset her. So splitting. Hopes that this mental and emotional torture will be over soon.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Story

So everything started with this picture. My Taiwanese friend S recently changed her profile picture on facebook to this one.



Seeing this picture, I felt confused, surprised and a little astonished. And the following is what I wrote on her wall:

"This picture is whom mocking whom?...Ironically, the whole visual style reminds me of Mao's propaganda posters in 1960's. If Mao is the subject being mocked, why is his cruel and drastic aesthetics being borrowed here? Isn't the use of "fei" indicating that new Taiwanese youths are still following Chiang Kai-shek's opinion on history, Mao, and China, whereas Chiang is the one that Taiwan wants to turn against and wipe out of history?

...Sorry that I'm not being critical of the epistemology of the message indicated by this picture, but I find it ironical in its reconfiguration of meanings. Indeed, the Chinese can probably use the exact same picture to mock the incredibly drastic view of history and reality from contemporary Taiwanese young people. ...Sorry, it's not really targeted against you as a personal message. And I hope that you may appreciate different views."


Here is what she replied:
"yes you didn't interpret the image in a wrong way.
It is designd by Freddy, the leader of 青年逆轉總部.
And it indeed borrows the aesthetic of early KMT during Chiang's reign (the image, style of words, and the color) to give an ironic portrayal of our president Ma.
If he is really following his predecesors' path, then why is he doing the totally ... Read Moreopposite things?

While we were still children, the KMT taught us that "漢賊不兩立" but it is also them eargerly promoting the union with China now. So this image is just pointing out how ridiculous those KMT are..."

Several days later, I received this message from her:
"Dear Grace~~
I'm gonna upload some pictures taken from the 1025 parade on my facebook. And some words/slogan may seem harsh (to China). I don't have too many Chinese friends but I don't wanna hurt anyone of them ha! So please understand the target of the parade is the China government who keeps threatening Taiwanese with hundreds of missiles(and also Ma Ying-Ju)instead of any of the personal friends!! ^^"


What am I supposed to say? I guess the thing that I learned most in Peggy's class is that everybody is a social-cultural being. That is, the collective identity is necessarily a part of the individual identity. Taiwan,Taiwanese; China, Chinese. Can't deny, can't escape. What would happen if our collective identities are enemies with each other? Can we still go across the boundary? I replied:

"Understood. =P It's really considerate for you to send this message to me. You know, if I was a Taiwanese, I would have probably done the same thing, joining in the parade. And I do have strong sympathy on Taiwanese people.

I, however, sometimes don't really appreciate this whole thing going to a drastic extreme pole. Many Taiwanese people in my life (not including you), can't tell the difference between hating the Chinese nation-state regime and the Chinese culture/people. Lots of incidents. I remember when we were eating together on a Chinese New Year's meal, one Taiwanese friend mentioned some customs that they practiced during the New Year. Out of impulse, I said it was what we did at home too. Awkwardly, the whole table went silent hearing this. I guess they assumed that I was claiming that we shared the same culture and thus, China was the origin while Taiwan was a follower. I kept my mouth shut throughout the whole meal then. Imagine the whole scene, what a perfect moment for a movie. In fact, I found it really hard to make any Taiwanese friends. A careless joke can deeply hurt both of us.

I understand that the Taiwanese identity is necessarily building on the idea of being different, but sometimes it scares me as how it can torture notions of humanity and history. As human beings, people of different ethnicity and countries share lots of things in common, let alone two people with such close culture relationships. And why claiming one's identity has to tear up this layer of cultural connection, denying the various similarities that we all have?

Well, I guess that I've spoken too much again. =P And I do feel sorry for Taiwan people because of the coercive control from China's nation-state. I wish these boiling days will be over soon. =P"


I don't know if I was being overtly sensitive or emotional. I just hate having to be so cautious when talking to a Taiwanese friend, to make sure that I'm not hurting their dignity. And, how ironically, it was a Chinese New Year's meal. Why do you even bother to celebrate something "Chinese", if all you want to do is to drastically break away from the tradition? Identity itself is full of self-contradiction and fragmented moments. To acknowledge it takes one a lot of courage.

Why notions of humanity, history and culture have to be the victims of fighting for the national identity? When I watch Hou Hsiao-Hsian's Three Times, can I just say that he vividly portray three love stories that happen at different time periods of China? Do I have to make the politically-right statement that it is about Taiwanese culture, not Chinese, whereas the truth is that a lot of his imagination for the movie came from his understanding of Chinese culture? Ultimately, can one definitively separate the two?

Then, here comes the photos from the parade. I was inspired by their passion for fighting for independence, as well as, overwhelmed by the hatred and viciousness for their enemy.



Why in Japanese? Nostalgic for the Japanese colonial time? Indicating that it is better to be a Japanese colony than anything else? Sorry, maybe I'm being vicious.



Below this picture, I commented something like even panda is victimized and politicized. Of course, I was then reminded who politicized this cute animal first - the Chinese themselves.

In response, she wrote back:
"You're right that the poor animal is so victimized.
But think it in the other way, it's the only way to voice our identity to the public/world. We can't even bring our national flag to the Olympic and any kind of international events!! So the animosity is actually from the pain of being denied by the world. And I am really thankful for your understanding and support. I really wish someday China will understand the fact that we're indeed an independent country then probably both countries can have a real diplomatic relationship instead of being filled with animosity in between..."


One picture she deleted later. And that was the picture that really showed how pernicious this war can be. Basically, it was someone holding a slogan, written "支那男妾",insinuating their current President. "支那", such a denigrating term. The disdainful slang that the Japanese and the West used to denounce China and the Chinese. Look at who is using it now?! I can't hold myself from feeling upset. Why fighting for independence means viciously attacking the other? Is this resentment going to be curing and relieving for Taiwan? Just like the apartheid in South Africa, it is going to be a scar, a wound for both people. Unforgettable, unbearable.

She replied:

"hello 葛瑞絲小姐,
it's my response about the "男妾" image.
I've decided to delete the picture and sent you the reply privately.

==
yap i've hesitated a while to upload this picture.
But I still do, just to point out that everytime while the China Government says "the small group of pro-independent Taiwanese are hurting the friendship between Taiwan and China," how they deny our existence in the world also hurt the general Taiwanese. The hatred doesn't come from nowhere. There's a huge pain tied with it. 神說要愛你的敵人真的很難耶, 尤其是當生存的威脅都還存在的時候...
==
喔喔談政治真是太傷感情了, 還是要用一下母語才有語言的熱度
(英文是做研究的語言~~)
不過很感激你這麼體諒耶!!!
你來台灣一定請你吃好吃的帶你去看海"


I wanted to go to Taiwan before, to the place that I could have been born at. The place, where most of my family left Shanghai for. I don't know if I want to go anymore, because I'm afraid that I would be suffocated in the heaviness of emotions.

I'm still one of the few liberal Chinese who support Taiwan's independent national existence. I, however, feel frustrated, sad, and hurt from what I saw and heard. Unresolved. Think carefully before you put any comments or questions, no matter which side you are on.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Duchess


This is a movie that outrageous feminists would throw stones at the screen; or, another possibility could be - they would teach their students and daughters that this is such a representative example of how British women in 1800's were victims of a patriarchal society. Unfortunately, I am not, but one of them.

This is a story about a woman who was defeated by everything. The moment she agreed her mother's choice of an arranged marriage to the Duke without trying to explore and understand the meaning of love, she has already succumbed to her mother's and the society's imposed authority. Of course, you may also interpret this as her innocence at the time. She was then, sooner than expected, insulted by her husband's treat of her, which was entirely valued by her ability to give birth to a male heir. Sex is a battlefield, while every sex is a rape with humiliation. When the Duke took off her clothes, looking at her nude standing body with extreme coldness and apathy on the wedding night, she was full of fear and shame. So what? Instead of trying to conquer the fear and shame, she chose to conform to and live by it, considering them as necessary feelings accompanied every marriage and relationship.

Whereas she has been considered as a possession for her husband, the Duke never truly belongs to her. Still, she has to learn to not care, to be apathetic, and numb with the Duke's presence with other women. When the life found out that there was still a chance to pursue love, she then found that her life was already in the Duke's hand. In the end, it seemed that her children was the bottomline that she couldn't afford to lose. I have no problem till this part. What can I say about a woman's motherly nature.

But then, the really ridiculous thing happened - after all the torture that she has suffered from, she found eventual satisfaction in her life through her children and the friendship with her husband's lover! The ending seems to indicate that there is a genuine chance she and the Duke can forgive each other. How could that be possible? How could she forget and forgive, pretending nothing has happened? And how could she rediscover loyalty and trust in the Duke again? She and Charles Grey, her lover and the later British Prime Minister, smiled at each other with guilty at a party when everything was over, as if they shouldn't have fallen in love with each other, and it was no more than a wild crazy dream that everybody would have had when they were young, which was so disturbing to the real life. What has exactly made her feel so? This is just totally unimaginable to me.

Ebert commented that this was not a typical Jane Austen's light-hearted love movie, but a movie of realists. Realists in what sense? People dare not face their honest feelings and can magically start to forgive and appreciate the ones that once destroyed their life? In addition, Kiera Knightley is a little bit overtly done, too flirtatious. The movie totally doesn't reveal how a woman gets changed and aged from an innocent teenager girl to a mid-age woman that has to endure emotional traumas.

I watched this movie on my 26th birthday night, with the purpose that by loving or hating the movie I may get distracted from thinking about my own life. I guess the movie was pretty successful in that, coz I spent the rest of my night indigenous with the storyline.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

1



她发现她和库切一样,人生总是处在逃离和回归之中。

逃离那个时间和空间的核心。

她要抹灭一切那个时间和空间带来的痕迹。她要变成一个没有口音,历史,年龄还有相貌的特殊特征的人。

就是要这么残忍地刻化出这段空间来,否则她会被那个核心所吞没咀嚼。

就象库切从南非逃到英格兰,为了可以逃离权力, 从而得到权力; 为了逃离无法解释的青春和人性,从而得到对耻辱和成长的淡忘; 为了弥补时间的横轴所不能化解的,要纵深地理的纵轴.

就象库切莫名其妙地到了伦敦的IBM里终日面对着数字和编码, 她到美国中西部的小镇上的校园的某个角落,终日在同样的电脑屏幕前研究文化理论.

逃离是一种信念和动力.

她甚至开始寻找在澳洲工作的机会.要让空间的多样性模糊单调的自我.

就象妥斯妥耶夫斯基说惩罚是上瘾的, 通过逃离和寻找边缘化来惩罚自己与生俱来的也是上瘾的.

为什么要逃离呢, 是因为她知道她本质上是无法逃离的, 还是,因为官冕堂皇地说因为距离的存在才能产生深刻的思考呢.

内心深处,她知道她和库切一样地怯懦.


库切是这样追寻回归的.

他不复其繁地用极为枯燥以至于文化理论都变得生动了,以至于不得不极其集中的思想阅读的,又突然间夹杂着非常震撼的片刻的语言, 描写一个悲凉的,与人性的种种卑劣和惰性斗争的,拥有着复杂的社会矛盾的,老人寻求原谅和道歉被年轻人用暴力手段所拒绝的南非.

她象库切一样,每每构思起一个故事或者梦醒在某一个不能释怀的部落的时候,总是回到那个原点.

为什么要用这种非正大光明和痛苦的方式来追求回归呢,她鄙视自己的懦弱。

可是凭什么说回归的意义和方式是绝对的呢.

问题是,存在这逃离和回归的交错中,是一种幸福合理的生活状态么.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Red


Being a Chinese means that red is a color with thick and complex inscribed meanings;a lot of times, it is a color that carries itself with imposition and even oppression. So heavy cultural connotation, both good and bad - nationalism, culturalism, revolution, folk, and the chauvinist idea that red is a woman's color. I always run away from red as much as possible. There is no single piece of red in my closet, for that's a color I can't personalize and manipulate.

I firstly watched the movie "Red" during my teenage hood. For the first time, red seemed to be such a warm and sensational color. The French girl against the red drop can be so real and pretty. I didn't understand much of the movie at the time. And last night, when I was trying to watch it again, after the amusing presidential debate, with a challenging academic book in hand, I sadly found that I've not moved too much from the time when I was a teenager.

I did, however, enjoy greatly reading Ebert's review on the Kieslowski's Tricolor afterwords. Once again, sadly, as visual images don't force a single interpretation by sparing use of language, I was not able to come up with my own understanding. Ebert's description endows a significant level of specificity by giving a live consciousness to the movie.

Here are some quotes that I really like:
"As a young man this judge was was once in love, lost that love, and has lived on hold ever since. He all but caresses his emotional wounds. Although at first he rudely turns Valentine away, slowly he begins to tell her his story. There is a moment in "Red" where Valentine leans forward to listen with such attention and sympathy that she seems at prayer. Only gradually do we learn that the story of the judge and his lost love reveals parallels with the story of Valentine and her lover who is always absent, and with the life of a young law student who lives across from her apartment in the city--a student she has never met.

On another timeline, in a parallel universe, the judge and Valentine might have themselves fallen in love. They missed being the same age by only 40 years or so. Now that Hubble has seen back to the dawn of time, that doesn't seem a great many years. There is a passage in one of Loren Eiseley's books where he climbs down a crevice in the desert and finds himself looking at the skull of one of man's early descendants, who gazes back at him over countless centuries. He reflects that from a cosmological perspective, they lived at almost the same instant."

-- I actually think Wang Kar-Wai does a better job in presenting various impossibilities and barriers of time and space. =P

"In the trilogy, "Blue" is the anti-tragedy, "White" is the anti-comedy, and "Red" is the anti-romance. All three films hook us with immediate narrative interest. They are metaphysical through example, not theory: Kieslowski tells the parable but doesn't preach the lesson. It's the same with his "Decalogue," where each film is based on one of the Ten Commandments, but it is not always possible to say which commandment, or precisely what the film is saying about it. I know this because I taught "The Decalogue" in a film class, where we discovered that the order of the commandments differs slightly in the Jewish, Catholic and Protestant versions. "And in the Kieslowski version," a student sighed.

In the same elusive way, using symbolism that only seems to be helpful, "Blue," "White" and "Red" stand for the three colors of the French tricolor, representing liberty, equality and fraternity. Juliette Binoche, in "Blue," has the liberty, after her loss of husband and child, to start life again, or not at all. Zbigniew Zamachowski, in "White," is dropped by his beautiful wife (Julie Delpy) after he goes to a great deal of trouble to move her to Paris. Back home in Poland, he wants to make millions so that he can be her equal, and have his revenge. Valentine and the old judge in "Red" have a fraternity of souls that springs across barriers of time and gender because they both have the imagination to appreciate what could have been.

There is also, lurking unsaid, the possibility that this Prospero, so intent on studying the lives of his neighbors without involving himself, might be the catalyst for one final act of magic involving Valentine and that young man who lives across from her. That young man who might have been him, or, this being Kieslowski, might actually be him, his timelines overlapping slightly and specific details of course altered by circumstances.

The Columbia University professor and film critic Annette Insdorf, who knew Kieslowski well and often translated for him, says, "It's rare that you say about some film director, 'What a good man.' But he was. Very by-the-way, emotional, very non-sentimental, dry in his wit and in his bearing, but he really made an impression." Her book, Double Lives, Second Chances: The Cinema of Krzysztof Kieslowski, provides the key to his work in its title. Kieslowski almost never made a film about characters who lacked choices. Indeed, his films were usually about their choices, how they arrived at them, and the close connections they made or missed."

Stories are about lives. That is the difference between films for children and films for adults. Kieslowski celebrates intersecting timelines and lifelines, choices made and unmade. All his films ask why, since God gave us free will, movie directors go to such trouble to take it away. "Kieslowski truly loved his characters and invites us into a poignant awareness of both our limitations and our capacity for transcendence," Insdorf says, and you can feel that in the tenderness of every frame. The old judge in "Red" is harsh and dismissive, but with the sense that it hurts him, not entertains him, to treat Valentine so harshly. We see him like so many of Kieslowski's characters, swimming upward through a suffocating life toward the possibility that hope still floats somewhere above.

I connect strongly with Kieslowski because I sometimes seek a whiff of transcendence by revisiting places from earlier years. I am thinking now of a cafe in Venice, a low cliff overlooking the sea near Donegal, a bookstore in Cape Town and Sir John Soane's breakfast room in London. I am drawn to them in the spirit of pilgrimage. No one else can see the shadows of my former and future visits there, or know how they are the touchstones of my mortality, but if some day as I approach the cafe, I see myself just getting up to leave, I will not be surprised to have missed myself by so little."
--This is such an aesthetic project. I often feel the same way.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

食蟹记


Grace,江南人士。上不了台面的那种。
喜食带骨头,嚼不动,隐隐约约有肉却嚼不出肉的东西。比如说蟹,虾,鸭舌,鸡掌,等等。
Grace小时候最痛恨拎不清的菜。所有有陷的东西,搅混在一起的,比如说饺子,包子之类的,都在名单之列。
到什么地步呢,就是吃饺子的时候,Grace固执地认为,所有肉馅里都必定多多少少有肥肉的,所以她要很细心地把肥肉和瘦肉分开来,再把瘦肉给吃掉。
于是,全家被Grace逼得一年只能吃一次饺子。吃的时候还要绕着Grace走,因为怕看到Grace做分解试验的恶心场景。
Grace直到现在都清楚地记得小时候要被父母逼迫痛骂才能吃下一个小笼包,然后可怜兮兮大哭一场,变成全餐厅的spectacle,让爹娘握拳再也不要出来享受周末小笼包早饭的美味。
Grace的爹正好是相反的。他曾经说鸡身上最好吃的部分是胸脯,因为没有骨头。Grace小时候,她爹偶尔还做饭的时候,每年过年都要做熏鱼。那是她爹唯一吃的鱼,因为肉厚实,并且骨头很大。
Grace来美国之后,发现洋人真是不懂得吃骨头的乐趣。凡是肉,都是要被debone了,才是好肉。比如说鸡胸脯,牛排等等。连鱼都是没有骨头的。Grace常想她爹要是来了这里,肯定觉得这是食的天堂。
最贵的海鲜是龙虾。当然了,Grace也喜欢吃龙虾。可是往往吃完了之后,惋惜龙虾壳是肯定要扔掉的,于是开始怀念小小的连壳一起吃的盐水虾。美味啊。
在洋人的地盘里,Grace于是两眼一黑,开始了大块吃肉的生活。
她常常做的菜里面竟然有一道是火鸡丸子,就是买一pound肥肉瘦肉混一起的grounded turkey meat,然后和豆腐一起作成丸子,然后放到chicken broth里面煮。当然了,那火鸡肉的盒子上面写着97% fat free。所以Grace很Ah Q地想想和小时候被迫吃的小笼包比,这个还是好很多了。
今日Grace在沉寂了3个月之后,终于把厚厚一摞prelim answer放到每个老师的mail box里面了。于是决定重拾旧业,奖励自己,怎么着也要吃一些嚼不动的东西才成。
她于是先是去韩国店,在冷柜里一番苦战之后找到了一盒冻到地老天荒的蟹。大喜。遂买回之。然后发现不知道该怎么下手。冻的蟹不可以蒸吧,怎么炒呢,没有黄酒啊。
七晕八昏地终于把蟹做好了。
现在Grace在充斥着蟹的味道房间里打这篇文章。
琢磨着一个很俗气的问题,这些年来,是生活改变了她,还是她改变了生活。

Thursday, August 7, 2008

夏天


我脸上的pimple草长萤飞,一刻都不得停歇。要是有什么实在的符号直观地反映我的心理生存状态,这就是我的pimple的数量和大小。

我和Tahoe厮混了若干个星期。我想念那只常常趴在地上忧心忡忡叹气,憎恶洗澡,让我懂得很原始的爱的定义的大狗。

新生们开始成群结队地在绿街上晃悠。我也想象他们一样。一个人和某种文化脱节是不困难的。困难的是在找回来。或者是永远不可能有完全的复原的。原来我还是象若干年以前一样,把无病呻吟当作一种情趣。

还有什么好值得纪念的东西,一个夏天沉湎于无止境的阅读和写作中,本身是一种值得纪念的回忆么。

爸爸在电话中和我说要保重身体,尤其是我小时候常常贫血。跨越重洋跨越时光换来的牵挂,这样的付出是不是太沉重了。我当时离开中国是不是就是为了刻意制造出这个距离来,好让怀念和悔恨诞生和重复在这个无法填满的空间里面。

看着祖父母的一生被通俗的明星演绎,被大众的目光所消费,愤怒悲凉到无以复加。这是我的记忆,我的,为什么要被夺走呢。原来我在研究中置之度外地批评谴责的文化现象就这样荒诞地发生在我的生活中。不知不觉,我就由批判者变成了当事人。

最后的最后,我吃了一个夏天的韩国菜。所以大概我想的和写的也都充满了辛辣的味道了。

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Philly, Philly




Too short a visit. Conference. Awkward social skills. How do I improve? Why shall I improve? Is it about me suppressing another facet of myself?




I love Gayle and Sue. Awesome Australians.




I love Deb and Kelley. Who said women should always dress up and carry themselves like 'women'?



We happened to win the best paper award. The question then becomes, is it important or not; to what extent shall I consider it as an achievement to enhance self-esteem; and to what extent shall I think all honors are not more than illustrations of how others think of me, while how I perceive myself is more important than everything else.



For the first time, my body was so filled up by wine, margarita's and cocktails.




In the end, I didn't have a chance to have Philly cheese steak.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Knowledge



Whose knowledge it is? And whose right it is to construct knowledge?

Several days ago when I read Rey Chow's comment on "Western anthropologists persistently neglect the colonial situation persistently lies at the origin of their field of research in most part of the world", I was shattered by her fierce criticism. I thought that I could never write such confrontational words.

Little did I know that exactly 3 days later, I was put in a even more confrontational situation - an anthropologist, a full professor, a colonialist with her stubborn Western ideas on what China is and Chinese should be; and me, a graduate student looking for a committee member. I found my situation was even more difficult than Rey Chow's - the disproportional power structure in between of us made it impossible for me to utter the powerful and emotional thoughts that Rey Chow has put in my heart.

The Chinese people's opinions and words shouldn't be accounted for because the video was not made for them. It was taken-for-grantedly made for the West. Thus, the voices from those who are supposedly represented in the video should be subdued. In its reflexivity, China is only important when it's positioned in relation to the West. How Chinese consume and interpret this video doesn't matter because the Western world don't care.

And this is the logic of constructing knowledge that has been practicing for hundreds of years. This is the knowledge that they want to see and repeat, the construction of which, ironically, conspires with the imperialism/colonialism. And it misleads us to believe in this is all about an objective world that you can grasp and see.

Knowledge.Objectivity.Positionality.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

monologue


A moment of fun can be easily superseded by the following stress.
I feel that stress is like an inside demon swallowing me, making me hate, be anxious, depressed, and angry.
Everyday I see books on my table piled up higher and higher.
And everyday I'm getting more and more lost in my own writing.
Thank you for your caring concern, but please don't send me condolence if you see this message.
I just need a quiet moment to acknowledge and mock my own weakness.
Then pretend that I am a strong woman to let life continue.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Murmur a story


We three Asians, sitting separately in the suddenly spacious coffee shop with lots of empty tables and chairs, on the afternoon of the last day of the final week.

Three lonely people.

I'm a spy.

He must be Taiwanese or Chinese. He must have been in the States for a long time. And he is browsing pictures of the landscapes of Shanghai on Wikipedia. Unbelievably tall skyscrapers. So arrogant, militant and resisting. Does he know that there is a Shanghainese girl sitting behind him? Does he know that the pictures he is looking at is a Shanghai in the touristific images? Would he want to know the Shanghai that's in my memory?

A lonely guy.

She must be Taiwanese or Chinese. She is super sensitive. She only wears safe colors - black or blue. But she always have cute accessories. Once I saw her wearing a turquoise ring. very low key but elegant. She must know that I've been observing her. She hides well. I remember she has an Indian boyfriend. A very gentle yet masculine guy. I like her and I want to be her friend. But I don't know how to invite myself without breaking the silence awkwardly and abruptly.

Three laptops.

The common air we breathe in.

Three parallel life stories.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Mom


Every time before I call my mom, I always think that no big deal, that I can handle it, like I have been doing it for all my 25 years of life. When the moment that the two phones connected, and a familiar voice said "wei", I know that I'm wrong again, that my continuity in the life here in U.S is interrupted, that I've traveled to my perverse past in China, that something between me and my mom will never be changed and forgiven.

I often feel that it's quite unfair for Nick because every time after I call my mom, which, of course, involve a lot of yelling (to two American ears),anger,crying (some times), he feels so sorry for me. He feels that once I pick up the phone, starting to speak Chinese, I'm turned into a different strange person. If he knows the complexity and the history that I don't know how to describe between me and mom. The way that my mom never thinks there's any distance between me and her, never thinks that her words and actions may hurt me, because I'm her inner self - how could a daughter ever be angry with her mother? How could an inner self ever fight against and contradict drastically with her?

Every time after I talk to my mom, I couldn't help but staying silent - a moment silence that I need to travel back to my normal life. What has happened? Can I ever use a simple word such as 'good', or 'I just talked to my mom' to describe what's going on in my mind and life?

Heavy memory. Unbearable. Yesterday I was still an outraged teenager who was angry with my mom all the time because her habitual ignorance of my feelings and thoughts. Overnight, I have to, no matter I really want or not, put away all those memories to generate sympathy and forgivingness for my mom. Stop thinking about yesterday, for its existence is no longer meaningful. But it's my past, why I have to give it away.

I love you, Mom. I know that our relationship is not something that belongs to an ordinary mom and daughter's, despite how much I hope it is, so that life will be so much simpler and easier, so that I won't be so splitting.

I love you, Mom. No matter what.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

memory


About the same time last year, I was on the Blue bus going to class. Then I saw that girl, the girl who had the exact same eyes and bang hair style with Lijie. The eyes like the ones of Peking Opera performers - the eyeline goes upward till it touches the temple. The bang hair like a Chinese doll. I knew she was not Lijie. She was Japanese that I knew, don't ask me why. I kept looking at her until she withdrew herself from my vision. I wanted to hold her hands and tell her that she looks so much like my best friend in high school. I wanted to tell her there was a second I thought I was on the school bus with Lijie in high school - like I was always trying to get close to her through the crowd. I wanted to tell her that Lijie is now somewhere in Shanghai and we've not been talking to each other for so long. I wanted to say that Lijie is always a precious part of my memory, something nobody could take away from. Then, I saw her getting off from the bus at the education building. That tiny Japanese girl. She would probably never know that how much a stranger connected to her on that bus and would always remember her for that a few minutes.

This week I was working in the Green Street Coffee Shop. Then there he came in, a boy who made me feel that Yihong was walking towards me again. He must be some Asian American or a cross-blood. I don't care who he is. I just want to request myself what memories he brought to me. How much he made me feel displaced, temporally and spatially. I thought I was still that silly teenager girl,biking with Yihong at night in Shanghai's streets. For so many reasons that all of us have changed so much. So stupid to see that what we perhaps have in common now is only memory. Memory that I often revisit and relive. Experiences of aging, losing, gaining, remembering and forgetting. Don't tell me not interact with reality is a shameful thing. But memory, endless memory, my valuable treasure.

Monday, March 31, 2008

April shower


April showers bring May flowers.
And I'm sick all the time with the non-stopping rains.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Piece of History, Anne and Me


Me and Anne Burkus were sitting in her office, a nostalgic room full of books and paintings, old and new, Chinese and Japanese. The room somehow reminds me of my grandfather's office at home, and my dad's messy office - a space infiltrated with the staleness of time. We talked about class, movie and Chinese painting. As I was about to leave, Ann told me:"I landed in Taiwan in 1976, and that is my China."

Mao died in 1976 and the whole Taiwan was so nervous, not knowing what's going to happen. The moment Ann stepped on the land of Taiwan to study Chinese art, she was as nervous as the Taiwanese people who were waiting for her. Then soon there came Nixon who visited China and agreed to withdraw the military base in Taiwan. For Ann, she lost her chances to get free ice-cream and peanut butter. But for Taiwanese people, they felt deeply betrayed by U.S. They were outraged. Overnight, everything was at risk. Everything was at stake. Nobody was trustworthy. Nothing was secured - the individual lives, the tiny island in the East Pacific Ocean. Cab driver yelled at Anne because unfortunately she was American and more because, there was nothing could be done to the situation. I always found it interesting to see how our individual lives are intertwined with historical moments - that's usually when dramas, senses of humors, tragedies or comedies arise.

Then she showed me recent works by Zhang Hongtu, some guy from Princeton who tried to create the effects of Monet out of traditional Chinese painting. I'm not sure if I like such a post-modern twist. His painting is on the right.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

things



慢慢的,就想不起来来拜访了
不知道是因为生活太忙碌丰满了,还是太忙碌丰满以至于空虚了.
什么是提醒我生活的客观存在.

我总是在梦中回忆,
伤感,愤怒,无可挽回.

"記憶對于時間又是多么膚淺的測度"
生活的繁琐,科学和客观对于梦和回忆来说又是多么地摧残,
瞬间而毕.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Little Rock, Arkansas


Sweet couple: Bill and Hillary in my camera.


Black and white.


A piece of history:in my camera.


An old black man in Bill Clinton Museum. Numb when he saw me shooting a picture of him.


A glass tree.So fragile.


Another piece of work I made for Laura.