Thursday, March 26, 2009

胡说八道

Grace had her first job offer in life.
She also went to Shanghai 1938 tonight, and had 小笼包,溜肥肠,蟹肉面。
There are pictures of Shanghai in semi-colonial times on the wall, the absurd nostalgia of which makes her ponder.
She made a super big and messy chart of pros and cons for her new job.
Reviewing the chart again and again, she is more leaning towards turning down the offer, she guesses.
Yet she calls her "chicken" in the bottom of her heart, for some unknown reason.
She only has 3 more days to decide.
This unexpected thing is totally eating up her time, making her anxious, perplexed, and upset.
What the heck!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

她时常会梦见祖母,梦见她们又被迫要分离。有时候这种分离不一定是徘徊在死与生的界限上的,但同样的是离别,同样的痛彻地不可避免和无法挽回。她不知道该如何描述这种撕心裂肺的感受;在日常生活中,不论失去什么-失恋也好,文章写不好也好,工作没着落也好-都是不痛不痒的,甚至不过是人生中无关紧要的一部分罢了;她都不会这般失落。

时间的进度让她有一些恍惚,她觉得她黑漆漆的梦里的伤感和醒来后阳光明媚的周围非常格格不入。她觉得很尴尬,因为她既不知道如何继续停留在梦里,任其无止境地延续,也不知道如何把自己完全投入到这盎然的春意中。或许,Freud在这点上是正确而没有夸张的,人在潜意识中总是在追求回归母体的,无论她是那个15岁的无处可逃的女孩还是现在26岁的这副皮囊。祖母的去世,象征着这个母体永远地失去了,她的生活就好像没有了原点一样,不知道从何开始,如何继续。好像把生活活生生地批成两半-母体的,纯粹的,原始的-都伴随着祖母的去世而消逝了。这也许是她青春的祭礼吧,只是太过于现实和血淋淋了。

Sunday, March 15, 2009

03/15

Here are the moments I feel that if I join in the fight, I'd only be possessed by spitefulness and bitterness, that I'd only become one of them. Yet I don't know how to stay untouched. It's perhaps not just these people that I'm dealing with, but problems of humanity at large - that these moments will never go away, that I have to fight hard to not let devil spirits control and command me, that I have to run really far away from my world to laugh at what happened with humor. Get it over,gal. Be tough under your skin.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Is there any other information that you would like to share about yourself?



Grace is very thankful to the department's decision on this award. Oh, no, she has so many people that she must say “thank you” to - she is particularly grateful to the broad vision of research and thinking that her adviser Dr. Carla Santos brought her into, she also wants to say to Dr. Laura Payne that she can't imagine getting this far without dear Laura's help. She has been learning a lot to be herself throughout the years in graduate school – learning to be Asian and American (including introducing bizarre Chinese food, such as pork tripe stir-fry at Lailai's, to Carla), to be humble yet not bashful, to be innovative while solidly theoretical, to understand and appreciate the capabilities as well as limitations of humanity. Recently, she seriously falls in love with the deliciousness of lemon bar. =)

Friday, March 6, 2009

失眠

我们都将年老,同下雨一样明确无误。

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

手套


她在冬天即将结束的时候丢掉了她的手套;毫无征兆地。那是一双Ralph Lauren,黑色的,Suede皮的手套;带上去有一些小,所以总是紧紧地包裹着她的手指。她带着它们去电影院的时候,从来未曾想过会把它们遗失在某个未知的黑暗的角落。她确定它们已经不在她的生活中了以后,颇有一些惴惴不安。她想起了十八春里的那双手套,那双曼桢满心甜蜜地织的红色毛线手套,以及世钧在电影结尾的时候在黑暗的路上寻找手套的场景。那双手套是一个他们两个人爱情无法圆满的符号,一个bad omen。那么,她遗失手套是否也有什么隐约的莫可名状的含义呢。

她写信给逸鸿,告诉他手套丢了;她5年前在芝加哥错买的手套,本来是逸鸿托付要买给yy的手套。逸鸿当然没有回信;恩,不知他是否还记得这双手套;即使记忆犹存,说不定对他而言也是卑微的小事一桩罢了;抑或回想起5年前发生的事情还有尚为青春的感情是很沉重的一件事情,所以还是不假回应地好。

没有了手套,她有些孤单,就好像人丢了影子一样。有时候她还是会习惯性地在出门前往包里寻摸手套;并且,当她站在商店柜台前试图买一双新的时候,却发现自己没有办法喜欢上不同的手套;也许记忆中,她还是在抵触这种流逝。可是,流逝的究竟是什么呢,是毫无重量的青春么。