Mediocrity

I used to think there were only three kinds of people in this world: one type strive hard to be average; another defy the fate of being mediocre; the third choose to balance the two extreme cases- mediocre in some occasions while outstanding in others.

I grew up with the deep fear of being mediocre.As a teenager, the way I used to fight against the mediocrity/averageness/popular trends was rather foolish and empathetic. I had to identify myself with "things" instead of using my innate voice to distinguish myself. I chose to love blue and hate pink, because pinkish is too girlish thus a symbol of subordinacy and powerless-the cliche women have been placed in for thousands of years;I chose to listening to classic music instead of pop, not really becuase I was able to understand and appreciate the sophisticated form of music, but any popular trends- things make young people all alike- represented vulgarness (without any knowledge that pretending to like classics are even more vulgar and hypocritical).

Boom, I was sent to this new country alone at the age of 22. With the teenage rebelliousness having almost subsided, I desperately hoped that I could be like the appearingly normal and happy Americans around me-I could, like them, have blond hair and round eyes to not be stared at, with their eyes sliently telling my Asian otherness or uttering "you are a good looking 'Asian'"; speak immaculate English thus don't have to be always marked "foreign"; know approriate manners on all occasions.

To mature is a process where I learn to reconcile with myself, recognizing these I can't change and these I can. I guess I am lucky to be able to find a way to feel my existence-to give my voice to the research. Hey, I know how commercialized tourism research is. I promise myself that I will never give up looking for better ways to voice myself!

Maybe there isn't any mediocrity at all. Maybe the term itself has already framed and set rules for the wrold. Maybe making the best out of whatever you have is the best way to not completely reconcile with the standard prescribed.

time

When Winston said his "cherished solitude" was going to be ended, I laughed at him because apparently it seemed such a nice thing to stop being alone and to have a family-someone care about you and someone you care about. Well, now I find there is at least one good thing to be single-you are supposed to be the biggest, if not only, owner of you time!

I usually feel hard to concentrate on writing something during daytime. My daytime is always fragmented-having classes from here and then;there's always someone stopping at my office asking for directions;and especially professors passing by frequently thus I always have to prepare to say hello to not appear insolent. While I use most of my daytime for socializing, talking and doing minor missions that do not take a lot of mental activities, such as grading, the night time is mine! I'm the night owl, the vampire of Huff hall!I can sing aloud,drink up whatever how many coffees and teas without being watched,and listen to "wiered" Asian music without caring others' feelings while writing.

Despite my satisfaction with my time arrangement which secures my working efficiency, not everybody else is happy with that. Laura is always concerned with the "safety" issue of staying over in the office too late alone at night, warning me of keeping the door closed. She also thought because I worked late at night, I must suffer from a lack of sleep. Actually I get up later than most people so I sleep as much as everybody else. I felt hard to explain to her that going to bed late cured my insomnia. Bryan also snudged me:" Maybe you will change a little after the winter break." Just to think it was Bryan, the nicest and the most sensitive boy I've seen, who suggested this.

I used to feel how to arrange time is one's clandestine right,just as choosing what to eat and what to wear.But I have to admit now that no one is an isolated island. We are all somehow connected to each other thus affecting or being affected by the ones surrounding you in life.

Shall I change my schedule next semester?...........

academic writing

Don't flatter me that I know I'm not good at it. I still remember the fear-how it grasped me and swallowed me-when I was writing my thesis. Yes, I still remember Alastair Morrison's critics "like usual, it took me a long time to edit it". I wish I could internalize the ability of those marvelous writers and researchers-the skillful and artistic mastery they have in using this language to express their thoughts. All stress comes from how to improvise, how to tailor the words and sentences to reflect your thoughts.

I have realized that I'm doing a better job now. When Carla Santos handed me the two new papers I worked on this semester, she commented that I've done a great job without any hesitation. I was flattered, yet I found myself struggling in believing she was saying this because she truly thought so or she was just encouraging me since she was fully aware of my lack of confidence in the academic writing.

If life is all about conquering all the difficulties to be the person you want to be (that must be an agressive school of view), I've just made my first tiny leap.

Happy New Year!

In spring, the place I went to most frequently and stayed in for the longest hours was the computer lab in Stewart Center. Somehow I felt more comfortable to work on a very private thing-my Master thesis- in a public place. I guess being surrounded by a bunch of people replying e-mails or reading news online helped to reduce my stress. Yeah, I was about to leave Purdue yet I felt I didn't know this place enough to talk about being a boilermaker. I was often joking that the part of my brain that controlled my emotions and feelings was almost paralyzed in this engineering school that engineering ambience has permeated into every corner of the campus. But all of a sudden, I found it hard to leave this place along with my friends as well as the heavy and the joyful memories behind.

In summber, I ate most, played most and talked most. I fell in love with that cozy town called Fort Wayne in the northeast of Indiana.

In fall, I threw myself at tons of readings in the new orange and blue campus-UIUC. Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining yet. I haven't told you how juicy those readings are and how excited I'm with the new prospect of the researches I am and will be engaged in. I'm not saying my Purdue research is dry, without which I actually can't be who I am now.

Just imagine while I had no computer and no office at Purdue, I have four discreationary computers and offices now! What's more luxrious for me to adjust to is Carla Santo's mentoring style. As it is completely opposite to traditional Chinese teaching style which always sets an invisible boundary between teacher and student, hers encourage intimacy and reciprocal understanding between the two sides. I find as much surprise as comfort and ease in this new fashion.

In class, I tried to break down the stereotype of the "quiet, shy, modest, no-opinioned, too-nice-to-say-anything" Asian. I guessed I talked too much in RST 501 until oneday the professor said to the class "a Chinese knows more about Western history than you guys", which sounded as if a Chinese was not supposed to be like that. That word completely quieted me down and made me realize that my knowledge which mostly come from highschool history class must appeared as "showing off " to the class. I am still wondering if I overacted to fight against the unspoken image that "Asians don't talk" or this image does not exist at all and only comes from my imagination.

In winter, I did two patchworks-revising the papers according to the reviewers' comments- and two new papers. I have to be honest that I don't like patchworks. It's always hard to satisfy with the pieces of researches that you have done a while ago. They always appear so immature while you feel unable to make it the one that represents your current self. But I guess it's just like one's life history, you will just laugh when you look back at the mischievous things you have done!

Well, best wishes to everyone who is having a baby or expecting to having one, getting married or expecting to get married, being in love or expecting to be in love!

Have an exciting 2007!