I grew up with the deep fear of being mediocre.As a teenager, the way I used to fight against the mediocrity/averageness/popular trends was rather foolish and empathetic. I had to identify myself with "things" instead of using my innate voice to distinguish myself. I chose to love blue and hate pink, because pinkish is too girlish thus a symbol of subordinacy and powerless-the cliche women have been placed in for thousands of years;I chose to listening to classic music instead of pop, not really becuase I was able to understand and appreciate the sophisticated form of music, but any popular trends- things make young people all alike- represented vulgarness (without any knowledge that pretending to like classics are even more vulgar and hypocritical).
Boom, I was sent to this new country alone at the age of 22. With the teenage rebelliousness having almost subsided, I desperately hoped that I could be like the appearingly normal and happy Americans around me-I could, like them, have blond hair and round eyes to not be stared at, with their eyes sliently telling my Asian otherness or uttering "you are a good looking 'Asian'"; speak immaculate English thus don't have to be always marked "foreign"; know approriate manners on all occasions.
To mature is a process where I learn to reconcile with myself, recognizing these I can't change and these I can. I guess I am lucky to be able to find a way to feel my existence-to give my voice to the research. Hey, I know how commercialized tourism research is. I promise myself that I will never give up looking for better ways to voice myself!
Maybe there isn't any mediocrity at all. Maybe the term itself has already framed and set rules for the wrold. Maybe making the best out of whatever you have is the best way to not completely reconcile with the standard prescribed.
1 comment:
i love this one. u r still the Grace in my memory. try to be natural and easy. that will render u happier, my dear.
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