Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Philly, Philly




Too short a visit. Conference. Awkward social skills. How do I improve? Why shall I improve? Is it about me suppressing another facet of myself?




I love Gayle and Sue. Awesome Australians.




I love Deb and Kelley. Who said women should always dress up and carry themselves like 'women'?



We happened to win the best paper award. The question then becomes, is it important or not; to what extent shall I consider it as an achievement to enhance self-esteem; and to what extent shall I think all honors are not more than illustrations of how others think of me, while how I perceive myself is more important than everything else.



For the first time, my body was so filled up by wine, margarita's and cocktails.




In the end, I didn't have a chance to have Philly cheese steak.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Knowledge



Whose knowledge it is? And whose right it is to construct knowledge?

Several days ago when I read Rey Chow's comment on "Western anthropologists persistently neglect the colonial situation persistently lies at the origin of their field of research in most part of the world", I was shattered by her fierce criticism. I thought that I could never write such confrontational words.

Little did I know that exactly 3 days later, I was put in a even more confrontational situation - an anthropologist, a full professor, a colonialist with her stubborn Western ideas on what China is and Chinese should be; and me, a graduate student looking for a committee member. I found my situation was even more difficult than Rey Chow's - the disproportional power structure in between of us made it impossible for me to utter the powerful and emotional thoughts that Rey Chow has put in my heart.

The Chinese people's opinions and words shouldn't be accounted for because the video was not made for them. It was taken-for-grantedly made for the West. Thus, the voices from those who are supposedly represented in the video should be subdued. In its reflexivity, China is only important when it's positioned in relation to the West. How Chinese consume and interpret this video doesn't matter because the Western world don't care.

And this is the logic of constructing knowledge that has been practicing for hundreds of years. This is the knowledge that they want to see and repeat, the construction of which, ironically, conspires with the imperialism/colonialism. And it misleads us to believe in this is all about an objective world that you can grasp and see.

Knowledge.Objectivity.Positionality.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

monologue


A moment of fun can be easily superseded by the following stress.
I feel that stress is like an inside demon swallowing me, making me hate, be anxious, depressed, and angry.
Everyday I see books on my table piled up higher and higher.
And everyday I'm getting more and more lost in my own writing.
Thank you for your caring concern, but please don't send me condolence if you see this message.
I just need a quiet moment to acknowledge and mock my own weakness.
Then pretend that I am a strong woman to let life continue.