Mom

Every time before I call my mom, I always think that no big deal, that I can handle it, like I have been doing it for all my 25 years of life. When the moment that the two phones connected, and a familiar voice said "wei", I know that I'm wrong again, that my continuity in the life here in U.S is interrupted, that I've traveled to my perverse past in China, that something between me and my mom will never be changed and forgiven.

I often feel that it's quite unfair for Nick because every time after I call my mom, which, of course, involve a lot of yelling (to two American ears),anger,crying (some times), he feels so sorry for me. He feels that once I pick up the phone, starting to speak Chinese, I'm turned into a different strange person. If he knows the complexity and the history that I don't know how to describe between me and mom. The way that my mom never thinks there's any distance between me and her, never thinks that her words and actions may hurt me, because I'm her inner self - how could a daughter ever be angry with her mother? How could an inner self ever fight against and contradict drastically with her?

Every time after I talk to my mom, I couldn't help but staying silent - a moment silence that I need to travel back to my normal life. What has happened? Can I ever use a simple word such as 'good', or 'I just talked to my mom' to describe what's going on in my mind and life?

Heavy memory. Unbearable. Yesterday I was still an outraged teenager who was angry with my mom all the time because her habitual ignorance of my feelings and thoughts. Overnight, I have to, no matter I really want or not, put away all those memories to generate sympathy and forgivingness for my mom. Stop thinking about yesterday, for its existence is no longer meaningful. But it's my past, why I have to give it away.

I love you, Mom. I know that our relationship is not something that belongs to an ordinary mom and daughter's, despite how much I hope it is, so that life will be so much simpler and easier, so that I won't be so splitting.

I love you, Mom. No matter what.